Gratitude and Thanks

Posted on March 20, 2024 by Sally B.

cat sitting with two books Perhaps the most basic step or action to making a difference and changing the world and oneself is gratitude. Appropriately gratitude was one of the first “little things” we wrote about in Spirit Moxie’s Conversation posts. “Give Thanks” was published more than ten years ago in December 2013, just a few months after Spirit Moxie was launched. In the book, Moxie Moves: 10 easy ways to make a powerful difference, which explains the idea of Spirit Moxie more clearly, “Be Grateful” is move #2.

So, we’ve written about this. But sometimes we need reminders, and, for fun, to play with distinctions. Today I’d like to claim that one distinction is collective and one is personal. What might feel counterintuitive however, is that “thank you” is the collective one.

While working on this Conversation, I decided to post a TikTok (one of my new experiments in reaching more people) on “saying thank you,” as being one of the little things that can change the world. While planning the post, I realized something that now seems obvious. Saying, “thank you,” besides being an automatic response engrained into you by your parents, also acknowledges that someone has done something for you. (Duh). And, when you examine that statement, pure connection and possibility emerges. (Wow!)

spiderweb Surviving as a human is pretty much impossible without other humans. So we can see “thank you” as an acknowledgement of the web—or maybe a strand that is part of the web—that connects us one to another. Saying, “thank you” to that other human being who bagged your groceries, opened a door, or handed you a cup of coffee can expand your appreciation for humans in general. What about the rude receptionist? The tired take out clerk who would have gotten the order wrong if you hadn’t checked? Remember, they are also human.

One of the things I do that sometimes amazes my friends is get around using only public transportation. It has become essential for me to say “thank you” to the drivers when I leave a bus. Sometimes that “thank you” evokes the response of a “have a great day.” Sometimes however, I’m not sure the driver hears me. Sometimes the driver initiates the “have a great day” exchange. I always listen to see if others also say, “thank you.” Many do. This person just drove more than 12 tons of machinery safely so you can get where you’re going. We are connected to them via webs and strands.

So “thank you” supports and acknowledges the collective, the interactive web of being human that makes it possible for you to be you. It also reminds us of our place in that collective.

Collage of flowers and wine; a tree; pedicure Gratitude, on the other hand, is personal, although sometimes it is expressed publicly and certainly can be seen to touch thanks. Being grateful is not so much an acknowledgement of an action or experience as a perception of how that action or experience has affected you. Gratitude changes the way the world appears to us and makes us more productive and effective, a result scientifically studied by such writers as Shawn Achor. Gratitude certainly helps us be happier. One can start integrating this into our lives by simply noticing or listing three to five things every day that you are grateful for from yesterday or that are underway right now.

Through my friend and mentor Scott Mills, I learned the power of expanding on gratitude. Name the action, event, or situation for which you are grateful and then for five minutes or more describe it in more detail. Include how and why it makes you grateful as well whatever you remember about it. I suggest ending with a few of those “thank you” threads.

I know thanks and gratitude change the world and are tremendously important. But I also see these as easy and integral ways to claim the power of the collective and the power of ourselves. It is the collective that makes changing the world truly possible.

So welcome to being human. Whom did you thank today? How and for what are you grateful?

_________________________________

Dalí sitting with books (Moxie Moves – link to printer! – and Talking to Trees) – Spirit Moxie
The thanks video is also on Instagram
Web (2011) – alijava
Gratitude collage: wine and flowers; tree; pedicure – Spirit Moxie

Claim

Posted on February 7, 2024 by Sally B.

Claim is a verb!

barren hills Redwood Canyon When I began writing this, I got a bit puckish and remembered the “Wild West” definition, with prospectors and land barons. In my imagination I saw dry creeks and hills. There, “claim” was a noun.

However the kind of claim that has an impact in changing the world is a verb. But apparently, it’s a verb many of us don’t trust. Last night, for example, I met a very interesting person, an executive in a wind turbine company based in Denmark that has a presence in Portland, Oregon, where I’m now living. The conversation went something like this:

Me: “So you change the world.”

Him: “Well, kinda. I’d like to think I do. But look at what our kids are inheriting.”

Me: “Claim it. You change the world. Period.”

Him: “Well, maybe, but…”

I think I finally got through. But if you “maybe’ change the world and “would maybe like to” make a difference, you probably don’t. This seems endemic to most of you that follow Spirit Moxie. Yes, you. Oh, the idea of “little things that can change the world” sounds good. You now read similar ideas elsewhere. You find that it’s fun to come up with new “little things.” You enjoy posts such as this one. But do you take any kind of stand that your actions work, that you (yes, you) matter?

Washing hands Intellectually how could your getting enough sleep* or brushing your teeth affect anyone besides yourself? Smiling* might brighten someone’s day, but would it, how could it, change the world?

There are a lot of parts embedded in this question. One analogy is, for example, that you want some exercise so you walk around the track at a local school. Or maybe even run around it. But even though you’re running, it’s not a race unless 1) you decide it is and 2) other people are involved. Note that #1 is you. Others could be racing and you’re not. But if you decide to race, if only to get a better time, others very likely will play along even if it isn’t a formal “race day.” It’s the same thing if you say that it would be great if people claimed that whatever little thing they are doing makes a difference. Smile*. Listen*. Vote*. All these are one person actions. You can’t make anyone else do them. It’s an individual decision.

What’s essential here is the “claiming.” Deciding that today is race day. Figuring that if I get enough sleep. I’ll be healthier and a lot more pleasant to be around and the health care system will have one fewer person to deal with. As a result my friends can relax and I can experience more joy which is actually contagious in a good way. There’s a deliberate action in this. It is by claiming these actions as making a difference that changing the world becomes possible. Even if only you do them. When a lot of us do them, positive, even unpredictable change becomes possible.

Taking a step We read that we’re enough, are fabulous, are good the way we are. But our mind may say, “Who, you? Don’t be silly. You’re not big or strong or important enough to matter.” Thank your mind for sharing. You are all you have to offer. And it is enough. If you claim that and I claim that, we have enough people for that race. And others will join in.

What’s your stand? Race on?

_____________________

* A chapter in Moxie Moves: 10 easy ways to make a powerful difference
1. Smile; 3. Sleep; 6. Listen; 9. Vote

All photos by Spirit Moxie
Red Rock Canyon Park (I think)
Another little thing: Wash Your Hands —David A. Lynch, model
Off to run — Noël Ponthieux, photographer

Choose Your Extravagances

Posted on December 5, 2023 by Sally B.

A couple of weeks ago, I asked some friends which “little thing” on the current list of little things we can do to change the world I should write about next. “Choose your extravagances” leaped out to them. It is number 10 on the original list of 100, so it was part of my initial determination of what small things could, indeed, change the world.

Jaguar parked by garage But what did I mean by extravagances when I first listed this in 2013? There aren’t any notes, but I’m pretty sure the why and how of this has expanded, if not changed.

In 2013, I think I viewed this as meaning, “don’t be wasteful.” That’s still valid. Do you really need “that” car, coat, or shiny object? Sometimes the answer is, “yes.” My partner always wanted a Jaguar, could afford one, and took great delight in driving it. Sometimes the answer is “really?” An example might be that expanded time share I almost never use that might both pay for itself and give me more options. But in this conversation, when talking about the things beyond necessities, often the answer is, “no.” NO! This is your own list. One friend actually functions better with his morning Starbucks americano. I can do just fine with coffee at home or at my local diner. Because I consciously choose to not own very much stuff, my examples are different from yours. Because I use public transportation well, a ride share service such as Uber or Lyft is an extravagance for me. But on my last visit to Cincinnati and during my “do I want to live in Thailand” experience, ride shares were usually the only option for getting places. I also have friends who have exclusively used ride shares, along with walking and maybe riding bikes, when they’ve chosen not to have a car.

Now I think there is another part of “choose your extravagances.” Deliberately select some extravagances. The key word here is “deliberately.” First, we live in a time where denying yourself is seen as virtuous. Think of that diet. Think of wanting to do what everyone else is doing but money and time are saying, “no.” Think about the idea that really wanting more of anything is wrong.

Now think of “extravagances” as one way of enjoying and participating in this world we think might benefit from some change. Perhaps it is to always have real whipped cream on your pie or whole milk in your latte. For me, I realized I enjoy going out to eat and travel more than new clothes or the latest phone. Do I ever buy clothes or replace electronics? Yes. But my monthly spending plan has an inordinate amount allotted to restaurants and the credit card I use gives me perks when traveling.

Flat white with design on top The diet example is maybe the easiest to understand. I usually ask for no cheese on sandwiches and omelettes as for me cheese only adds calories rather than flavor. But I enjoy good cheese with bread or crackers before dinner or even for dessert. Sometime in my late teens I decided cream and sugar in my coffee weren’t worth the calories, especially because I usually drank coffee with desserts. But now I have friends who will tell you that enjoying good coffee, usually black, is something they identify with me.

Sunrise over evergreens Note the phrase above of “enjoying and participating.” Enjoying the world is certainly central to having it be the world you know it could be. (“Changing the world” as the Spirit Moxie tagline reads.) When you are only angry with your partner or children, they never have a chance to blossom and be great around you. But when you enjoy being with them, enjoy their idiosyncrasies, and sometimes participate in what they love, something more beautiful than all of you becomes possible. Yes, I know that example is a bit simplistic. But think of our world the same way. What do you want to indulge in that is beautiful, extravagant, and that also, in some way, serves who you are? Getting up early to watch a sunrise? Ordering the real butter and the bread basket? Buying the shoes or spending the extra $40 for an upgraded airplane seat (yup – just did that)? And so, we participate. Not with something just because it’s there, but because it provides satisfaction and maybe a bit of joy.

Sparkling wine and goldfish crackers Your list will be different from mine. I’m pretty sure you can’t imagine that sandwich without cheese and that you find delight in the cheapest ticket you can find when traveling. But watch and choose. My friend bought the most expensive champagne she could find when she sold her house. She drinks a low cost Costco white wine otherwise.

Choose YOUR extravagances. And share what they are! Hearing about them adds to our enjoyment. Yes having and naming your extravagances will add to and change the world.

_______________________
Images from the top:

The Jaguar — Spirit Moxie
Flat white in New Zealand — Spirit Moxie
Sunrise — Teresa O’Bryant
Sparkling wine at Evoke Winery tasting room (Vancouver, WA) —Spirit Moxie

Be Curious

Posted on August 23, 2023 by Sally B.

Question mark on picture of eclipse At the beginning of each new year, I claim a word for the year. For 2023, my word is “curious.”

I chose “curious” because I really had no clue how 2023 would develop both personally and as part of Spirit Moxie. The previous year 2022 had caught me by surprise — a trip to Spain materialized, seeds for which had been planted in 2017 or so and pretty much forgotten. My new book was published that really was a book, not just an online offering, and was incredibly beautiful (Talking to Trees through poetry and pictures). As 2022 continued, the Russian attacks on Ukraine was the impetus for Spirit Moxie to expand Corner of Calm rather than cancel it. If that was 2022, what might happen in 2023? What might go as planned? What might be unexpected? I was (and am) still settling into a new place to live and there was a lot I didn’t know and certainly more people to meet! So being curious felt right and implied “open to possibilities.”

Now I’m a big believer in the concept there is a web of ideas and discoveries that flows through the world. Several ideas that are integral to Spirit Moxie that seemed innovative and even a bit weird to the world at large at one time, are now seen as commonplace. Yes, the now familiar idea that little things can change the world raised eyebrows when we began. It was a concept that sounded intriguing to some, but was discounted in presentations by others who I’m pretty sure had never heard of Spirit Moxie and probably still haven’t. Now you encounter this idea as a matter of fact part of world change. On a more recent note, at least two well known people I follow are suddenly offering courses on being calm. Spirit Moxie’s Corner of Calm started on August 3, 2021. So, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that curiosity is being promoted more and more every place I’ve looked recently.

What is useful about those promotions is that they have given me some perspectives that I originally wouldn’t have considered. For me, curiosity seemed a matter of fact way to approach my life and world. But those who explore such things have discovered, for example, that when people are under stress, curiosity about how the situation will evolve calms and relaxes their minds. It takes us away from fear because we now have a problem to chew on instead. As we look farther, we can see curiosity as a driving force in multiple inventions and the pull that encourages exploration.

Building taller – or perhaps digging deeper – I suggest that you be curious about things that you find annoying or even hurtful. Is age really the reason x, y, and z are happening? Is time always linear? Is there another possible explanation for what happened? Or my favorite question that helps me dance with time, “What should I be doing right now?” (This might be the only acceptable use of the word “should”!)

So I think more than anything else this post is an invitation. Be curious! How does curiosity serve you? What have you noticed as a result?

For, as I have learned, it is through daring to be curious that adventures, insights, and possibilities appear.

__________________
Question graphic created by Spirit Moxie on Canva

Be Kind to Animals

Image

I’ve had puppies. But what I remember is huge yards or being in places where one could, with integrity, since it was the accepted norm, chain them outside. Plus our newest, as yet unhousebroken, household member is really not mine, a fact he embraces when his owner is home.

Dog on lap with copy of book When I looked at Spirit Moxie’s “How to Change the World” working list to pick our next Conversation, “Be Kind to Animals” stopped me. It seemed so obvious. Plus 2022 appeared as a year for animals latching onto me when their owners weren’t there. And sometimes when they were. It was a new super power or perhaps one I just hadn’t named or noticed. After all, during the COVID lockdown, the household I was part of joked about my career as a dog bed. And it was a dog-watching gig that kept me in Portland long enough to find my current living space.

Dachshund So how does this relate to changing the world? I’m guessing those who are cruel to animals aren’t reading this. But I think talking about being kind to animals is important because, as with most things, I’m guessing even the best of us sometimes gets it wrong. In fact, I doubt if we could even agree on what wrong is. Yes, it seems obvious when domesticated animals aren’t treated properly. We hear of animals rescued from conditions of squalor. We read about them having terrible health conditions.

And there are multiple other situations that seem clear to many. Some of you reading this are vegan or vegetarian. While health is probably one reason for eating this way, many name a concern for animals and worry about the resources that deplete the earth as we raise them. I’m deliberately not going there. While our inter-relationship with the natural world in general is inclusive, and certainly involves depleting resources, I’m focusing here on our relationship to other creatures because for many of us, these interactions feel more personal.

When is the last time you interacted with an animal that doesn’t live in your house or the neighbor’s or a friend’s? It could be domesticated, but what about a squirrel? Yesterday I watched one deliberately tease the dog to make the dog chase it! Or what about that goose that has no business in a car-centric world acting like it owns the parking lot? Do you watch it? Say, “Hi!”? Notice. Have you ever seen that particular stray cat before? Is that coyote watching you aggressive or just curious? Have you ever even seen an elk or a moose? Noticed the sun on a dragonfly’s wings? What kind of bee is that in that flower? And yes, you can talk to those too!

Small fluffy dog looking up All these matter because even if, or perhaps particularly if, you live in a city, our relationship to animals reminds us of an integral part of our own humanity. We, too, are animals. And claiming that is true can inspire us to do other accountable things that help the world. Little things like not using plastic straws, or maybe any straws, and being concerned about the rings used to connect packs of cans because both are known to kill sea life. An action such as that leads to other little things that change the world such as general recycling and basic composting — two ways to dispose of waste that both help the environment and support all the creatures with whom we share the world. It’s realizing the effects of unintentional and blatant instances of pollution, such as the oil spill that might have been prevented or simply checking the emissions on your car. The list goes on. But what that greeting to a goose or the reassurance to a certain small dog that his mistress really will come home tells us is that we’re in the world together. We aren’t human in isolation.

So be kind to animals. Recognize all these related actions as key to making a difference. And know that animals give us integral ways to getting support in your own difference making.

_____________________________

Photos from the top:

Original career as dog bed – Spirit Moxie
(We liked this photo of the dog, but here’s the book link too)
Pet sitting in Portland – Spirit Moxie
A certain small dog – Suzanne Kustusch

Questioning Thoughts

Posted on August 30, 2022 by Sally B.

Or “It Ain’t True, Darlin’ ”

It shouldn’t have bothered me. My excuse is that I was tired and stressed and helping with that particular project was one of the things I’d enjoyed the most about this volunteer gig. So when, for maybe the third time, I was told I wasn’t needed to help anymore, I decided I was being dismissed because I was too slow, not as accurate as I thought, and so forth.

A bit later I laughed at myself. This was a classic example of letting other’s words get me down. In retrospect, I didn’t even know if their words were about me. Perhaps the whole project was already under control (it certainly worked in the end). Perhaps the organizers were feeling stressed and saying “no” made them feel more in control. Shoot – maybe I threatened them (that has happened, not sure why).

One of the hardest things to understand is that what we think about things isn’t actually real. It is just what our mind is saying about whatever the “fact” or event is. Our minds process what’s happening so we can make sense of it and to keep us safe. My default response to what I hear as negative comments is an explanation of why I’m inadequate. Inadequacy is my default safe place. While that sounds negative, think about it. For me, even though I think I’d like to be seen as fabulous, I’ve never been physically harmed when I’ve felt inadequate.

Perhaps your default is to be right or self-righteous. Whatever your default response, it is a feeling that helps you feel comfortable. It feels safe and familiar, even if part of you wishes you reacted differently. For me feeling inadequate may not be pleasant, but it is a familiar place that has kept me out of trouble and helped me fit in for as long as I can remember.

Another default response for some people can seem like the opposite of this. Perhaps you push boundaries beyond any reasonable expectation. Danger reminds you that you’re alive. For you, it’s safer to place yourself in situations where life seems disposable—on your own terms.

Maybe anything new is simply seen as “dangerous.” And so welcomed. Or, as a classic defense, something to be rejected.

None of these responses are bad or wrong or unusual. But learning to see thoughts as thoughts, with no intrinsic reality, can be very freeing. When I can notice the “inadequate” conversation, I’m free to question it and change it to showing me as competent, interesting, and curious. To hear alternative versions of things we are sure we absolutely know are true helps us see that, just maybe, we can look at that truth a bit differently.

There are several tools and reflections available to explore this. Perhaps one of the best known is The Work from Byron Katie. What she does is so simple that some find it threatening, feel manipulated, and dismiss her. Basically, what she says is that if thoughts are causing you pain, question them. Whatever truth there is in what happened, in this minute you have choices on how you look at those thoughts and, by extension, the events you’re thinking about. Here is the link to what she calls The Work, which is based on four questions:
Is it true?
Can you absolutely know it’s true?
How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
Who would you be without that thought?

The answers to these questions are followed by simple, non-judgmental curiosity about “turnarounds” where you consider what may be true when you reverse the thought.

More recently, I finally read Brené Brown’s book Rising Strong: how the ability to reset transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. This book was a gift I received from someone over seven years ago that initially I resisted reading. (My mind had these thoughts that for me the book wasn’t useful.). This book also helps us look at how we relate to our thoughts – plus how we form thoughts and can change them. Brown looks at this challenge from a more experiential direction than Katie. Brown’s discussion includes exploring our default responses.

On a lighter, or at least different, note, I’ve always wanted to have people (originally I was thinking of teenagers, but now think anyone) play with just retelling their truth by creating an alternative, if imagined, story. Preferably I imagine the absurd such as picturing my colleagues in my initial “they don’t want me” scenario actually answering a completely different question, seeing me as an alien, or being given a pro forma script where they were forced to say no. Elves and fairies or more serious notes describing some of the personal things they might be experiencing, such as illness, could also be in the mix.

A few years ago, I was part of a writing workshop led by Martha Beck. I don’t remember what the assignment and prompt was, but this poem was the product and worth sharing for the last three lines.

It Ain’t True, Darlin’

They’re only words within our head
Our thoughts are just opinion bred
Yours only tell me more of you
Or mine shows that my sight’s askew.

For scorn is just an itch that’s grown
So we won’t see the hurt we’ve sown
Or a belief we think will save
Us from a fault we really crave.

So if you truly seek to be
The one that in your heart you see
Let loose and sing with me this song
And laugh at life and dance along

Remember this is always true:

Your thoughts aren’t me
And mine aren’t you!

Have you questioned your thoughts? If you’re willing to share, I would love to hear from you.

_______________________-

Notes from the top. All images by Spirit Moxie:

Photo from the part of the volunteer gig that did work. “Dinosaur Wrangler”
Tree on the grounds of where I learned about The Work (Ojia, CA)
Screenshot of Rising Strong cover on our Kindle – an Amazon Spirit Moxie link

A friend has actually set “It’ Ain’t True Darlin'” to music as “Word Dance.” When there’s a working recorded version, we’ll share!

Believe in Magic

Posted on May 4, 2022 by Sally B.

“Magic?” We had just finished one of Spirit Moxie’s Corner of Calm* sessions and, when someone asked how it had gone, I replied that it was “magical.” During the session, I’d experienced deep connection while watching others embrace calm. It even contributed to healing for someone thousands of miles away. Through a technology that sometimes seems like it could happen only in science fiction, a real a sense of connection is possible.

But at least one person who had been at the session and heard the comment said, “Magical? How?” The idea of magic made no sense to her at all.

What is magic? And why in the world should believing in it make a difference?
When I looked at the idea of magic, I wondered how it differed from manifestation and miracles. Clearly, they are all intertwined because in all three concrete things happen outside of our usual experience. When I posted the question on Facebook, one person flippantly responded, “Well, they all begin with M.”

But generally most agreed that the three were not the same, although there was no consensus on definition. Memory also has me exploring the definitions for these words while journaling, but apparently it was just memory and not something I did. So, in a new attempt, I’m offering this:

Manifestation is a response to a concrete wish or desire. Sometimes it is a deliberate long term longing coming true — like my moving to the West Coast. Sometimes it is something incidental — like my winding up in a Zoom room with someone I had been hoping to meet or your finding that unlikely perfect parking spot.

A miracle is a desired result that’s “impossible.” Healings — and there are many documented — are the classic examples. The cancer that’s completely gone before any treatment or the person who should never have been able to walk again strolling through the door. When catastrophe strikes, it’s a miracle when a child is found unharmed in the burned or otherwise destroyed building.

But magic? I think magic is when something happens that is unsought, unlikely, and unexpected (although welcome). Plus “good” magic always has a hint of wonder or delight to it. (In stories, magic can also be evil. But not the magic we’re considering in this Conversation.) Magic could be the sleight of hand in a magic show or my surprised feelings when connecting for Corner of Calm. But it is even more evident when you find something you didn’t know you were looking for until it appeared. Often, it’s hard to pin down.

In searching for an example, I remembered the Valentine’s Day night when I was wandering around solo, and I stopped by a local bar. There I was told to go to the performance hall where the end of a concert was going on, and the jazz group performing closed their show with Herbie Hancock’s Watermelon Man, which was my deceased partner’s and my theme song. I’d never heard anyone play Watermelon Man without it being requested. As a bonus the bar owner, who I thought was busy doing closing stuff, suddenly appeared to dance to it with me. Pure magic all around on Valentine’s Day!

That may be the main point of magic. To believe in magic opens you to another dimension of experience and possibility. And experience and possibility are at the heart of changing the world. In movies and games, magic is often a portal to something unimaginable. In life, believing magic be possible makes it possible to believe in and see the unimaginable.

Even the words “magic” and “magical” are fun and intriguing. They make us smile. Maybe magic is just how you look at things. Maybe believing in magic allows magic to happen.

Often it is the unbelievable and the impossible that lead to innovation, change, possibility, and a true difference to appear. Or so I believe and have seen.

Are you open to magic? Where have you found it?

________________________
From the top:

Great Basin National Park — National Park Service
*Corner of Calm — a half hour sitting in calm and silence – YouTube sample

Return Shopping Carts

Posted on March 27, 2022 by Sally B.

A lot of the things we talk about as “little things that can change the world” is head stuff: “Be Willing to Be Wrong;” “Don’t Take Things Personally.” But remember, when we began looking at these Spirit Moxie Conversations about “little things,” we emphasized physical action. Our first “little thing” post was “Use Revolving Doors”! Really. It is what we do, as well as who and how we are, that makes a huge difference.

I’m suspicious that maybe returning shopping carts at the grocery store and, now, at many big chain stores is a particularly United States problem. People rushing out of a store with a week or month’s worth of stuff, packing it into their SUV, and driving off after just pushing their shopping carts toward the end of their parking spaces is a scene from US suburbia.

OK, so you don’t do that. But why is “return shopping carts” such an important little thing to do?

Loose shopping carts cause accidents. Some literally run away and crash into cars. They have hit people. Loose shopping carts create more work for store associates, but note they do not create more jobs. There are still people who come outside and bring these carts into the store when they are safely in their corrals.

Just because you are using a shopping cart is not an excuse to take it home. Over a million shopping carts are stolen every year. You see them on the street, in apartment complexes, and in yards. It costs a store between $100 to $400 to replace one. This averages out to an extra $10,000 a year or so reducing your favorite store’s bottom line. Those costs are passed along to you and everyone else that shops there. (Stats compliments of Google.)

As an example consider Aldi a Germany-based grocery store chain popular as a no-frills alternative in the United States. At these stores, customers pay a quarter (US$.25) to use a cart and then get the quarter back when the cart is returned. This helps the returning part but doesn’t decrease theft. Some people think that the quarter gives them the right to keep a couple hundred dollars’ worth of equipment.

So, part of this post considers how our actions affect the economy vs our convenience. An earlier post asking for examples of such actions was famously sparse. We simply don’t think that way. Writing this Conversation suggests other ideas of positive ways to support the economy and environment to me, but I don’t want to have it all be about my ideas. I want your thoughts. Add a comment to this post. Or post in the Moxie Movers Facebook group. Or write your own post. Send it to me at info@spiritmoxie.com.

There’s a “shopping cart theory” that went viral. That theory says you can determine someone’s moral character by whether they return shopping carts. Yes, there are arguments about whether this is true. But I think it is true that returning shopping carts is “a little thing that can change the world.” Thoughts? What would you add?

__________________________

All photos are by Spirit Moxie

From the top:
Shopping carts at a corral at a Fred Meyer grocery store
Target carts left by a bus stop
A quarter or twenty-five cents

Don’t Take Things Personally

Posted on February 4, 2022 by Sally B.

Of all the little things that can change you and the world, this might indeed be number one. Personal here seems to almost always mean criticism, although when we’re lucky, it is instead validation. Either way, taking words and actions personally gets entwined in our thoughts and emotions.

It’s all very well to be told not to take things personally, but we’re completely wired to do just that. After all, to relate everything to ourselves is one of the keys to surviving. I, myself, am prone to seek approval about how I look and what I do and to think that such approval is essential to my well being. Perhaps it is. But when we look at this “don’t take things personally” statement, which I hear from many people I consider wise, I need to wonder whether I’m wrong. In other word, maybe other people’s reactions to me aren’t the best way to be validated.

Really, Sedgwick? How can this be true?

Let’s look at some big picture examples of people’s reactions to comments and actions. Often (I’m willing to allow it isn’t 100% true) when we personally react negatively to someone, that reaction is be a reflection of something we don’t like about ourselves. If I’m honest, there is always something, maybe a fear, that somehow I might do whatever that negative thing is. I might look frumpy, be inconsiderate, overreact, or ruin something for someone else, too. So doesn’t it follow that other’s reactions to us can be in some way a reflection of themselves? That means that what they say is really about them.

Of course our reaction to others does affect them, and their reactions affect us. We really are energetically wired to one another whether we want to be or not. This is basic brain science. Our brains are wired to keep us safe. How others react to us and to their environment affects our own area of safety.* So how can those interactions not be personal?

So, what’s going on when I tell strangers that I like their hair? Is their reaction about me or a reflection of them? Perhaps the person I’ve complimented just looks at me as if I have two heads. Or ignores me. Perhaps they smile. Their reaction isn’t the point. The point is, for our purposes here, that I noticed and liked something much more than how they received my compliment. The point is that I remembered to share something I appreciated with someone else. And so, when I get a compliment about me, that compliment is really about them, which doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy it. Their words just aren’t, when I really pay attention, essential to my happiness or self image.

On the other side, what if I’m told by someone to keep my voice down? Am I too loud? The most useful response is that their comment is simply information. I can take their words as criticism and beat myself up about them, which doesn’t help anyone, or I can hear their words as simply something I need to pay attention to. Or not. Maybe I decide loud is appropriate right then. Their words are their reaction, not my action.

If you don’t like my shirt and I do or you don’t understand my writing and someone else loves it or no one loves it, but what I write makes sense to me, is that negative response criticism? Is the critique about me? Well, if I’m trying to communicate, their words are probably useful information. But words don’t have a value judgement component unless I give that value to them.

The truth is that people don’t think about us. Really. Or if they do think about us, their thoughts bolster their standards of how the world should show up; their expectations of how we should act and what we should look like. Again, look at your own obsessions about others actions or appearance.

I’m a mom who gets into critical mode about those I love. But really, all I can do is love them. Any change will or won’t happen through them. All I can do is be me. I can donate or volunteer for a cause, but the impact of those actions is nothing I can control. As I said yesterday (really), “I’ve learned the only person I can change is myself.” I can feel reassured that change is possible because I have changed. I’ve read my old journals, which is a little mind blowing, and, in my mind, proves that it must be possible for others to change as well. But change is in the other person’s court, so to speak. It won’t occur because of anything I do or say.

Two quotations that challenged me on this topic are:

“The way that other people judge me is none of my business.” – Martha Beck

“It’s not your job to like me, it’s mine.” – Byron Katie

A Google search on this idea provides books and multiple quotations, so I’m not sure where it originated, but if I’m honest, “what others think of me is none of my business” is freeing. Maybe frustrating. Certainly challenging. A work in progress.

So, play with not taking things personally. Can you see it as a little way to change the world? Can you explore it as a big way to change yours?

_____________________

Notes: *7 1/2 Lessons About the Brain by Lisa Feldman Barrett

Images from the top:
Cartoon from For Redemption Press One… by Bill Martin (Cincinnati: Forward Movement) – out of print
40 years of B’s Journals (some missing?) – Spirit Moxie
Quotation from Big Magic: creative living beyond fear by Elizabeth Gilbert

(All book links are Spirit Moxie’s links to Amazon . They don’t affect the cost of the books)

Talk to Others

Posted on October 31, 2021 by Sally B.

“Oh, I’m a writer. How would you answer the question, ‘what little thing would make a difference if everyone did it?’”

I’m exploring another part of the United States to see if I’m supposed to live there. One of my tests of a city is to get a manicure. This place, around the corner from where I’m staying, lured me in with a great sandwich board that listed low prices that were probably true once. My nail tech, who was chatty and thorough and doing all the get to know you inquiries such as “what do you do?”, thoughtfully looked at my question. “People just need to talk to each other. Like you wished the woman who just left a good day. And our conversation here.” (She admitted to having been shy as a child— a sharp contrast to this outgoing woman who managed this salon.)

So, I’ve been thinking about her suggestion and am realizing she was right. It’s so obvious that “talking to people” really hadn’t been on my list of little things we can do to change the world.

A few days ago I set out to finally meet some people here (a MeetUp event) and somehow got on the wrong streetcar. Which meant that I never did connect with the group, despite the fairly generous meeting time. I even went to a local brewery where they were supposed to be gathering after the event. Nope. No one was there by that name or description. Finally, because all the tables were taken, I asked if I could sit down where there was only one person so I could put down my beer and try texting. “Ah,” the young woman said. “I’ve been watching you. Sure.” The text was answered to say the MeetUp host wasn’t there, but my new table mate and I talked as I finally got something to eat. I learned she was becoming a physician assistant and she ended up hearing about Spirit Moxie, reading some of my poems, and following Spirit Moxie on Instagram. Little things that were exactly right for the evening.

Yes “talk to people” is related to listening to each other as we’ve written elsewhere, but where and how does a simple question or just a comment change things? “Where is the recycling place?” “Do you know if that door is unlocked?” “Love your hair.” “Would you pick out three peaches for me?” as a request at the farmer’s market. (FYI – think I got better quality that way too.)

On a bigger scale talking also helps us find truth and clarity. That’s a gentle way of saying that gossip hurts everyone and that we make assumptions in all of our relationships. Our words, our questions, our willingness to acknowledge to ourselves that we can be wrong, inform our own integrity which, I think, is integral to our health and wholeness.

Why add “to people” in this little thing? Personally, I probably talk to animals more than people (which is one reason I have a story of a goat following me in New Orleans). Plus, I talk to trees (a poetry book on this will be available soon), and, when frustrated, I argue with inanimate objects such as my computer. People are harder to talk to unless I already know them — and even then I am often just polite about it with some sort of superficial greeting. However, when I do really talk (and listen), magic happens.

What happens when you don’t talk to others? What did you really, really want that you didn’t receive simply because you didn’t ask? Is there a place within your own integrity that says, “If only I’d said something” about a situation? I’m mixed on some of the last piece because I’ve sometimes said something, and it was the wrong something. But I know we have to at least acknowledge these times to ourselves.When did you stay unclear about a situation because of not talking?

Exploring actually talking (remember I know almost no one where I am right now) has changed the way I look at my interactions and really has made my life easier. It’s presented a possible new place to live, got the TV where I’m staying to work, and made shopping more straightforward. It’s also allowed a bartender to share his love of wine, let someone else rhapsodize on their love of trees, and provoked an exchange about current writing projects. All in the past few days.

So watch. Listen. Talk. Obvious or not, see how what you say changes how the world shows up for you and your place in it, and how those words seem to affect those around you.